After a week of mock-basic training and army examinations I'm back, dear reader. In honor of the past week's events, this weeks sections will be titled "Jake Does the (Fake) Army," "Adventures In Bureaucracy," and a return of the beloved "Things I Like" section.
Jake Does the (Fake) Army
Last week, I participated in גדנ''ע (pronounced "Gadna"), a week of simulated, non-intensive, basic training run by the IDF. During said program, we learned how to operate and clean an M-16 as well as how to run to various areas of our base in the Negev Desert and stand in two lines within limited time. We also learned how to stand in a "ח" (chet, a letter in the Hebrew alphabet) formation, so named for its shape which resembles the Hebrew letter "ח", as well as a lowercase "n". We also learned how to stand in a "ח." We also learned how to stand in a "ח." We also learned how to stand in a "ח." We also learned how to stand in a "ח." Mostly, we learned how to stand in a "ח." While this endless chet-standing coupled did grow to feel a bit pointless, I was afforded the opportunity to be placed in a חילוני (chiloni, or secular) unit of Gadna participants. While at first I felt a bit of nervousness reminiscent of my days in public school (I was prepared for a slew of questions as to why I do not partake in the delicacy known to all as "bacon"), the group was nothing but respectful of my religiosity, and it was truly a pleasure to get to know them. This was fantastic preparation for the army, as I know that the vast majority of my fellow soldiers will not share the same religious views as I do.
All in all, Gadna was a pleasant and productive experience for me excluding one sphere: shooting. During the course of firing practice I may or may not have forgotten that keeping one's finger clamped to the trigger does, in fact, cause the gun to continue to fire. This was a bit of a problem, as I was constantly trying to adjust my positioning and sights. We did not receive a spray chart of where we shot afterward, but I would imagine that mine must have resembled something close to a Jackson Pollock painting. However, once I finished my week on "base," I was able begin with my real army prep, bringing us to...
Why yes, I would call my marksmanship "art"
Adventures in Bureaucracy
...my צו ראשון (Tzav Rishon, or "First Order")! This took place at a draft office located in Tiberias. While at the draft office, I was asked to give the army - which up until now was unaware of my existence - my basic socioeconomic information, have my Hebrew skills evaluated, take a series of logic tests, as well as receive a physical examination proving I was fit for combat. As with most things involving the army, the process had the efficiency of a one man assembly line. Nevertheless, it was a rewarding eight hours, as it put me one step closer to my Draft Day.
While exchanging oddly personal niceties with the woman tasked with collecting my socioeconomic details ("How much would you say you're father makes in a year...?"), my less-than-stellar showing at my Hebrew evaluation (I'm quite sure I asked the examiner if my oral and written scores were special instead of asking if they were to be evaluated together), and my physical examination ("We don't know how bad your asthma is, please call back in a week"), were unpleasant, I genuinely enjoyed the logic examination. There is something absurdly enjoyable about doing graphic analogies and pattern recognitions, one of the many benefits I gleaned from my Math Blaster days.
God's gift to Kindergartners
I have yet to receive my results from any of these examinations, but I am hoping for the best. I do so with good reason, as my socioeconomic, logic, physical, and hebrew results provide the basis for where I am allowed to serve, where I am mentally capable of serving, where I am physically capable of serving, and if I need to attend army-run Hebrew classes, respectively.
Things I Like
City of Thieves, by David Benioff, is an absolutely fantastic book. It is a quick, compact story about two young men forced to find a dozen eggs for a Soviet general in a starving, World War II era Stalingrad. This book is one of the only novels I have read to make me tear up (no small feat), and could easily be described as a "Tragic Bromance." Recommended reading for anyone ages 15 and up.
That's it for this week, everyone! With Rosh Hashana coming up, I wish my Jewish readership a Shana Tova U'Mitukah. To everyone else, Happy Wednesday!
That's it for this week, everyone! With Rosh Hashana coming up, I wish my Jewish readership a Shana Tova U'Mitukah. To everyone else, Happy Wednesday!
